Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
