FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
