I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
