Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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