Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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