Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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