loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
