i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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