You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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