You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Randomize
