tell your sister to shave her snatch
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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