Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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