tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
