and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
did i walk over a car last night?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
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