...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
