im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
