Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
