Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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