saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
