I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
