you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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