I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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