the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
