I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
