A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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