take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
