I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
