My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
