Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
