just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
