Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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