O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
