i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
