You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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