call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
