it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
