she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
