So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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