some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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