I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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