im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize