she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize