Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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