This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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