If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
