angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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