Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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