I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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