I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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