they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
did i just pee glitter
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize
