So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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