Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
