you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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