nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
