Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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