I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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