First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
