Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
