He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize