so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I lost the right to judge tonight
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
