Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize