I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
