the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
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Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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