It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
