If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
