I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
