Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
