i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
