you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
